The Cayman Islands Double Elimination Tournament

[Randomman]

Lexa Doig vs. Eliza Dushku

I tried to talk to Eliza in the before party, but that didn?t quite happen. Thus I kind hoped she?d be conscious after this match with Lexa. The Asian had a few years, inches and pounds on Eliza, but Eliza did more stunt work. I told myself that would actually matter.

And early on it did quite a bit. Eliza denied Lexa?s attempts to grapple her with kicks, knees and punches. Eliza drove the Asian woman into the corner and pounded away on here several times throughout the match. But Lexa did get her hands on Eliza and pulled her to the mat with several extended holds session. Eliza twisted out of her hammer locks, noodled out of grapevines and squirmed her way out of a schoolgirl pin.

After getting back to her feet, Eliza began to cement her path to victory with a leaping knee to Lexa?s chin. It spun Lexa around and left her in a daze as Eliza wrapped her pale arms around Lexa and nailed her with a suplex. Eliza held it and called for a pin, but Lexa kicked out.

Eliza growled in frustration and kicked Lexa several times in the ribs as she lay on the ground.

After a few second passed as Eliza caught her breath, she grabbed Lexa by her matted hair and pulled her to her feet. Lexa futilely clawed at Eliza?s chest, and received a retaliatory elbow for her efforts.

Eliza whipped Lexa into the ropes and flattened her with a super kick on the return trip. I thought that would be the end of it, but Eliza had another plan. That plan being a top rope leg drop that jackknifed Lexa?s body something fierce. Her body flopped like a fish before coming still. Eliza looked down on her opponent and sneered as she stood up.

A 10 count later and Eliza was the winner by a rather nasty knockout.

[Randomman]

Summer Glau vs. Anne Hathaway

Anne Hathaway had a reputation as a creampuff, but here she had two inches and a slightly more curves than her opponent. On the other hand, it?s hard to pick a roll that Glau had been apart o that didn?t take advantage of her ballerina-trained resistance to pain and flexibility. Also, she was a terminator.

And Hathaway was Catwoman. Oh, the Nerd versus debates ran rampant, but for me, Summer had a one up from being in Firefly.

Anne had a good showing, even towards the end of the match, where she was far worse for wear than her opponent. Anne held a powerful bear hug on Summer, swinging her back and forth as Summer shouted and growled her anger and pain. Summer?s arms were free, but Anne was smart about the fight?squeezing her tightly at erratic rates, sending spasms down her body and stopping Summer from mounting an effective counter attack.

It was a damaging, painful hold, but Summer grit through it and eventually Anne grew frustrated and threw her into one of the corners and began a series of corner stomps. Satisfied with the damage she wrought, Anne moved in for more violence, grabbing Summer by the hair and slamming her back into the corner.

Summer fought back, kicking Anne in the gut and sending her stumbling back. Summer leapt up to the second turnbuckle in one swift movement, leapt off it and planted both her feet in Anne?s chest, flooring the taller girl. Anne quickly rolled to the side while Summer lay on her back, catching her breath. She waited a bit too long, though as Anne rolled over Summer and attempted to put on a reverse breast smother on the dancer.

Summer struggled bravely as Anne tried to lock the hold on her head until Summer brought her legs together and with a dancer?s grace, flipper herself onto Anne?s back and pulled herself out of the hold. She almost toppled over but she managed to hold onto a seated position on Anne?s back for a few seconds before Anne began to thrash.

In response, Summer clamped her hands underneath Anne?s chin and pulled her back in a perfect Camel Clutch. Anne?s face twisted in agony and she let out a pained groan as Summer pulled back for a good minute. She was asked if she quit, but Anne refused.

After the third time the ref asked and Anne kept refusing, Summer slammed Anne?s face to the mat.

She let Anne roll over and locked a figure four head scissors on her opponent. Summer?s face was rather cold as Anne?s thrashed her legs and clawed at Summer?s legs futility. Anne?s eye?s fluttered and she stopped fighting back, rendering another win by knockout.

Damn, these girls were serious.

[Randomman]

Christina Hendricks vs. Scarlett Johansson

Boobs. That’s what this match was about. Boobs. There was no denying it. Even their tops were customized to show off their ample mammarys. And there was only one way it could end as well.

And the number of times I made Freudian slips while typing this out: 7.

It was some sort of unspoken agreement that this was going to be a titfight. Attacks to and with breasts being the only things they’d use. To openly display this, they took off their tops and let the crowd see their natural beauty in all their glory. Just from the visuals, it was easily to tell that Christina was bigger, but hers were softer and were lest pert than the younger Scarlett’s. Making a choice between the two based on visuals alone would be anything but objective.

It started out with trading slaps to the chest. Christina’s larger reach made me tick that round off as a win in her column, as she forced Scarlett to stumble back twice during the 10 traded blows. The next round was breast clawing, where each one took turns twisting the others massive breasts. In this case, Scarlett’s enthusiasm proved more effective and almost knocked Christina off her feet. I gave that round to her.

Next came a chest to chest balance/pushing contest of some sort. They locked their fingers and pressed their bodies together. The act of them pressing their damp bodies together made a slight noise and cupped their breasts up ever so slightly. They pusehd against their rival in an effort to bend them over far enough to apparently knock them on their back. Here, Christina's greater height and reach played to her advantage, but despite this, it was pretty dead even for a good 4 minutes before Christina pushed Scarlett back so far she lost her balance and fell to her back.

The giggle was hypnotic.

Finally, there was the bear hug competition. Scarlett started out and did a good job getting Christina to scream, but hold her off the ground for long periods of time and ended up shaking her back and forth on the ground. Christina however had no such problems lifting and shaking the smaller woman. Scarlet’s screams filled the air relatively quickly as she was shaken like a rag doll in Christina’s python-like grip.

Unceremoniously, Christina tossed Scarlett to the ground after the apparently allotted time. The winner was pretty clear. Scarlett lay on her back, slightly dazed, but resigned to her fate as Christina knelt next to her. Scarlet’s leg bent up as she turned to her conqueror. Christina locked eyes with her and gently stroked her hair. Christina gently kissed Scarlett, almost lovingly I’d say. Scarlett seems to think so as well, because after a minute of it, her hips began to pump ever so slightly as first as Christina asserted herself with both her lips and her chest. Christina moved to straddle Scarlett’s waist and she began stroking Scarlett’s own impressive bosom, whilst covering it with her own.

Christina slowly broke of the kiss, wrapped her arms around Scarlett’s head, and brought her face to Christina’s chest. Scarlett held onto Christina, not thrashing, just letting her know when to release the hold as her arms fell to the floor unmoving. Another knockout.

But one I envied ever so much.

[Randomman]

Chiaki Kuriyama vs. Grace Park

I don’t think there was a greater difference in height in the entire tournament: the tiny, waif-like Chiaki and taller (but similarly stringy to be honest) Grace: grace had almost a half a foot on Chiaki. It didn’t look good from looking at their specks. But I knew some things about Chiaki—I even got to talk with her a bit beforehand (helped her practice her English by dealing with my own slurred, rapid speech). One of the things I knew of was just how extreme wrestling was in Japan. Garbage matches in Japan are leagues more dangerous than they are in the US. To them, realism is paramount, and it’s better to break a star than to see one that’s not so good flounder.

And even though all the roles Chiaki had ended with her defeat on screen , the celebrity wrestling matches with her were…something special. She held her own against Uma Thurman for the Kill Bill opening show, after all.

But then there was her match against Nana Mizuno. Another loss, but by DQ. God, that was something…

She kept Grace at a distance for most of the match, wearing her down. Striking and then moving away. All of it was quite graceful and fluid—but also cautious.

Then Grace grabbed her, kneed her in the gut. The next several minutes consisted of Grace woman-handling the Japanese girl. At one point, she caught Chiaki in a powerful sleeper hold and nearly knocked her out, but Chiaki clawed her way out of it—I like to think my cheering helped with that.

Grace threw Chiaki into one of the turnbuckles. From there, Grace hammered Chiaki repeatedly with chops and slaps and even a few chokes. She finished by lifting the petite girl onto the top turnbuckle, taking a stand on the second one herself and threw her into the center of the ring.

Chiaki landed with a thud, splayed out like a squashed insect.

Grace took to the top rope and aimed a flying body press on the tiny girl—only to get a stomach full of knees.

Chaiki rolled to her feet and kept attacking Grace while she was hurt. She landed a series of kicks to her side, a few stomps and an elbow drop before she took to the top rope herself and nailed Grace in the stomach with a double foot stomp.

The way Grace’s body jackknifed, bounced off the mat, flopped and convulsed from the impact told me all I needed to know about how tough she was. She had a small chest, a tight butt, and a build almost as skinny as mine. But she knew how to move and she knew how to hit.

Then Grace grabbed her legs, flipped her over and slammed her head into the mat three times in rapid succession. Keeping a grip on her head, Grace picked Chiaki up and threw her across the ring. Grace was certainly taking advantage of her Chiaki’s petite stature. Grace then moved in with a sleeper hold, but Grace exacerbated the hold by holding Chiaki’ high enough that her feet didn’t touch the ground. To be honest, I thought it might end there. Chiaki’s feet flailed wildly as she struggled to get Grace’s arm off her throat, but it was her feet that ultimately saved her, as one stray heel imbedded itself just below Grace’s knee. The reflex was automatic, Grace’s knee buckled and she went toppling forward. Grace release the hold, but both feel face first to the mat. Grace recovered first and quickly thought of more deviltry to inflict on the smaller Chiaki.

The dazed Chiaki was then hauled back to the center of the ring, grabbed by the feet and subjected to a 15 second hurricane spin.

Chaiki’s small stature worked against her—a smaller reach hampered the strength of her initial attacks and now it not only sent her flying, it sent her between the ropes and into the sand I set up.

She landed hard on the outside—head firsts at that—to a massive cry from the audience in sympathy. Sand is soft, but not if you hit it fast enough and especially not coral sand.

I had unfortunately mentioned to her where coral sand came from while we talked: Parrot Fish poo.

She picked herself up pretty quickly from that fall, though. Brushing the sand from her face, she barely noticed the cut opened up on her forehead.

It was the look in her eye that caught my attention. It was the same one she had when shit hit the fan during the Nana Mizuno match.

I whispered: “Inverted Controls. Secret Code: The Beast.”

I was probably the only one besides Chiaki that knew what was she was doing. To Grace and to the observers, it looked like she was going berserk. And in a sense, she was.

She was purposefully mimicking a berserker.

A Berserk Anime character from a giant robot anime—the giant robot anime of the 1990s, really (Neon Genesis Evangelion)—but a berserker nonetheless.

All of the fear it generated, with none of the predictability. Even if she lost now, she’s frightened the rest of the conscious roster with her behavior.

Chiaki actually roared as she forcefully pulled herself back into the ring, startling Grace as she flipped into the ring, slamming all 100 some pounds of her to the mat as loudly as possible. It actually came out more like a “Gaoo!” because that’s the Japanese onomatopoeia for a roar.

Chiaki breathed heavily, her teeth barred like a wild animal, blood dripping across her face as her hair hung wildly about it.

Grace hesitated; long enough for Chiaki to charge her and leave her with no hope of dodging a double drop kick to her already weakened chest and stomach. Chiaki spun to her hands and feet quickly after the mutual drop as Grace writhed on her back. Chiaki tore open her top and began to slam ax-handle fists into Grace’s chest while preventing her from rolling away with one leg wrapped around the taller woman.

She then switched to slamming Grace’s head to the mat several times in a row. Seemingly satisfied, she got up off the Korean-Canadian woman and stood her up on her knees. With a dancer’s grace, Chiaki raised her foot and delivered a nasty heel kick to Grace’s head, driving her face first into the mat. K.O.

Chiaki immediately wiped the drool and blood from her face and smiled innocently to the crowd, cementing the fear in her opponents.

I burst out laughing as I applauded and shouted: “Zankoku no tenshi no you ni!” ; which, roughly translated, means “Like a Cruel Angel without a sense of mercy!”

Yeah, that got some looks.

I’m such a nerd.

[a fan]

Great first round, looking forward to the next.

[Raccoon]

"Grace immediately wiped the drool and blood from her face and smiled innocently to the crowd, cementing the fear in her opponents. "

Shouldn't it be "Chiaki immediately..." as Grace was knocked out?

Regardless, thanks.

[Randomman]

Yeah, I've noticed a few mistakes similar to that in what I've already posted and corrected what I could, but feel free to point out errors.

Self-editing was never a strong suit of mine.

Now get set for the last matches of the round, and before the storm swamps the northeast, too!